Cafeteria Lunches with Kids Beat Comped Business Luncheons Every Single Day

Cafeteria Lunches with Kids Beat Comped Business Luncheons Every Single Day

Often administrators struggle with shifting our focus from the world of the kids, to the world of adults.  Instead of teaching lessons and walking lines, building readers and planning field trips, we find ourselves presiding over IEP meetings, planning professional development, meeting with parents, and interacting with district level staff.  In a shift, our new role is to impact student achievement through the adults on our campuses.

But we are in this profession because of our love for young people and our passion to see them succeed and grow.  How do we reconcile this internal tension?  

1. Embrace your new charge. Effective school leaders can and must work with and through adults on campus. This is our charge. Teams of effective teachers and staff members benefit from school leadership that articulates a vision, coaches their practice and resources their efforts.  As a response to reading Micro-Resilience (Bonnie St. John) this summer, I’ve crafted the following personal purpose statement: “To lead teams that deliver equitable outcomes for kids.” 

2. Schedule daily ‘kid time.’  It is honest and noble to acknowledge a need to know and impact students on a daily basis. It helps us ground our decisions and taps our deepest motivations. Given the demands of our roles, we are logistically unable to spend all of our time with children.  Instead, we should find at least one slice of the scheduled day, where quality interaction with students is both possible and rewarding. 

I started out the year challenging kids in games of four square and being present during lunches.  This filled a supervision need and got me outside of the classrooms/ office and with kids.  As the year went on, I found that eating lunch, at the lunch tables, with students, became my “jam.”

Eating lunch with students worked for a number of reasons.  Because I needed to eat anyways, it was and initial act of multi-tasking.  Second, because lunchtime is limited and dedicated time, I it was predictable for me.  Third, I noticed that it ‘hit the spot’ for me internally.  Suddenly, I was learning kid’s names, cutting up over knock knock jokes, and connecting with students in positive ways.  I’ll take cafeteria lunches with the kids at my school over comped business lunches out every single day!

School leaders who connect with students outside the classroom also turn traditional principal dynamics on their head. Students don’t have to associate interactions with the principal as punitive, directly following instances of poor behavior. They are not just seeing the school leader when they are “sent to the principal’s office. And when they are sent there, principals can lean leverage a bank of relational interactions helps necessary action be restorative and character building.

For each of us, the particular avenue for consistently connecting with kids will likely be different.  For me, eating lunch with students daily will keep me in leadership longer and in a state of laughter!

How do you stay connected with students and focused on work with adults?

Image by US Department of Agriculture via Flickr.
Leadership Lessons from a Date Gone Wrong

Leadership Lessons from a Date Gone Wrong

She asked a question that ended our date that night. While the question provided an opportunity for leadership growth and development, it functionally ended the night.

Date night is a big deal in my house.  The frequency of dates with my wife serves as a barometer for the health of our relationship.  It’s also a practice that we remain committed to so that distance does not grow. Arranging successful dates are also minor feats. Lining up free time, securing babysitters, and coming up with a novel, and romantic, can be magnanimous challenges.

My incisors were sinking their way into a piece of artisan pesto pizza; I never did make it through that bite.  

She asked, “Do families know that there isn’t school tomorrow?”

Instead of finishing the meal with a delectable dessert or a long walk on Ocean Beach, we headed up to the school.

You see, it was Sunday night.  And there wasn’t school the next day.  In fact, we were having the first school holiday of the year and we had not blasted a message to families, via email, paper flyer, website or call.  

I could just see scores of families lined up at the gate, only to be turned back home. Frustrated parents would be forced to call in sick from work.

Facing this grim possibility, I did what any other rookie principal would do.  I apologized to my wife.  I drove up to the school.  I searched the custodial space for a ladder and key to the marquee.  I turned the headlights of my car on, and I spelled out the following message, letter by painful  letter:

No School Monday

School Resumes 9/27

Then…first thing Monday, I articulated a procedure with staff, so that this would never happen again.  


I learned a few things through this first year foible:

1. Learn to laugh at yourself. While I was not laughing while on top of that ladder, I continue to laugh about the incident today!
2. We all need time away from the work. Dates with spouses, backpacking trips with college buddies, and beach days with the family recharge us and make us better.  When our attention is divided, as it was in this instance, we are not getting true rest and restoration.
3. Systems need fine tuning. The operational systems at our schools need frequent analysis and tweeking, if they are to serve our communities well. Our strategy/ approach to communication has needed lots of tweeking to reach stakeholders.
4. Effective Leaders take ownership. I wrote about taking leadership here.  At the end of the day, the buck stops with us.
5. Leaders makes mistakes too. And that is okay!  How we respond to our mistakes is what makes us.

Image by Glenn Lascuna via Flickr.
Literature Reviewed for Leaders: English Language Learners at School

Literature Reviewed for Leaders: English Language Learners at School

The 411: English Language Learners at School, A Guide for Administrators. Else Hamayan and Rebecca Freeman Field, Caslon Publishing, Philadelphia, 2012.

My Tweet: 75 minds answer pressing questions schools face in teaching ELLs. “English Language Learners at School” has helped reshape our approach, working with emerging bilingual students. #thosekidsareOURKIDS

A Leader’s Take:  If you are leading a school serving a significant number of English language learners, this is a text you will want access too. While technical, it is driven by pressing questions we face in thinking through an instructional program that supports the predictable, yet unique needs of our growing ELL populations. Multiple expert voices provide input on pressing questions like: 1) How should we assess academic achievement of English language learners 2) What factors influence English language learners’ success at school? 3) What kinds of knowledge and skills to administrators need in order to implement an effective program for English language learners. I took the text on in chunks. I highlighted with intensity. Then I typed up the most powerful learnings and shared them with stakeholders. The research-based learnings have us thinking differently about supporting ELLs at our school.  While we are still working towards equitable outcomes for our ELLs, this reading, and the process we are going through, is a formative and critical process.

One Take-Away:  Perhaps the most profound takeaway from this book, for our learning community, is that we now see refer to our students as “emerging bilingual students” as opposed to “English language learners.”  The seismic shift recognizes students from a position of strength (gaining a SECOND language) rather than a position of deficit (still acquiring our language).  I believe that what we believe about students impacts everything. It is a powerful thing to recognize that our students are on the verge of gaining skills that will put them ahead of most people in life- and our students are only in elementary!  This is very different than (even subconsciously) thinking about students as underperforming language learners who might bring scores down. I choose the former! These experts and practitioners helped me get there.

Your Next Move: Write down the title. It well could be the primary resource help you design and articulate a plan for your site.

It Gets: 4 out of 5 apples.

Trauma Informed Educator Series: Break Area Implementation

Trauma Informed Educator Series: Break Area Implementation

It’s one thing to be a school leader and cognitively know that students on your campus would benefit from having break areas in their classrooms.  I shared a rationale for break areas in this post. It’s a whole other thing to help a learning community see the importance of them, dedicate a space in their rooms, teach a protocol to students, and facilitate appropriate break area usage.  That is second order change.  But these pointers should get your staff closer to reality where all students have tools to self regulate and return to learning, without leaving the instructional environment.

1. Know the purpose

A break area is a designated area in the classroom for students to go, where they can get space, remain in the classroom environment, practice self regulation, and return to learning. A break area is open to all students who demonstrate need.
A break area is not a punitive timeout consequence for children who misbehave in the classroom.
The Center for Responsive Schools explains the purpose of a “take a break”strategy is, “a positive, respectful, and supportive teaching strategy used to help a child who is just beginning to lose self-control to regain it so they can do their best learning. An equally important goal of Responsive Classroom time-out is to allow the group’s work to continue when a student is misbehaving or upset. Giving that child some space from the scene of action where they can regroup while still seeing and hearing what the class is doing accomplishes both of these goals.” That is well said.

2. Pick a space.

A break area can be created with as little as A) a 3X3 space on the edge of the room B) a soft pillow C) some painter’s tape and D) a small poster detailing “Take a Break” protocol. Of course, there are additional ways to adapt the break area to fit your context. And over time, teachers may want to add tools that help children self-regulate, calm and focus their brains. But creating a designated space is a huge first step!

3. Pre-teach break protocol.

It’s important that all students are clear on expected behaviors for taking a break, before the dysregulation occurs. In each classroom, it may look a little different. But teachers may consider a nonverbal signal, options for helping a student refocus and calm their brain (concrete options coming in the next post). Using a timer will help students and staff know that the break is not indefinite. It can signal time for a “check in”- a powerful trauma-informed technique. Finally, students coming from a break should know what it looks like to re-integrate back into the learning space. Other students should be encouraged to welcome the now-regulated learner back into the learning space, without judgement.

4. Tweek procedure as you go, and for specific students.

Like any other classroom procedure, this one will need explanation, modeling, and practice. We shouldn’t expect perfect utilization right away.  One student may spend too long there.  Another may try to visit the break area multiple times in a day or hour.  If we embrace this process as means to support individual students, at the moment of need, we will work through the kinks.  We will work with students to use the break area to augment and support their learning experience.  And we will realize the benefit of this added support in our classrooms.

5. Celebrate the changes you are making on behalf of students you love.

Remember that students using the classroom break area appropriately is a good thing.  Push away the voice that tells you these students are trying to avoid work or ‘game the system.’  Remember that adults self-regulate in various ways in order to persist through long meetings and conferences that have us sedentary.  We check out with a bathroom break or a quick under-the-table-cell phone scroll, just to get a our brains reset.  The reality is that kids may need a reset too.  Some need them more than others.  Here’s what we should celebrate:  When students are using the break area appropriately, we have a larger contingent of students ready to take on high levels of learning!

Trauma Informed Educator Series: Break Areas

Trauma Informed Educator Series: Break Areas

“Now they want us to put a tee pee up in the corner of our classroom?”
“What is education coming to?”
“It sure feels like we are giving children a reason to avoid work.”
“I sure wish I could walk away when the work got hard and get a little rest.”
“What’s to stop every student from using the break area?”
“We already take regularly scheduled movement breaks in my class.”
“There aren’t any break areas for adults, in real life!”

Learning hinges on student’s ability to self regulate.

Human brains are wired for survival. Unfortunately some of our kids are still hyper alert (as if a bear attack is imminent) in our classrooms. I wrote about this regularly occurring phenomenon in THIS POST. Sometimes student hypervigilence and dysregulation looks a lot like willful misbehavior in the classroom. But more often than we recognize, the preconditions for this behavior are occurring before, during and after the misbehavior. What we also know now, through research and years of anecdotal evidence in the classroom, is that stressed out brains cannot learn. Physiologically, they cannot reach the high levels of thinking that we are pushing for, while they are in this state of high arousal and dysregulation.

When we give students tools to regulate themselves, we are actually building independence and self-advocacy skills.

Nobody can push a button and get a dyregulated child back to baseline, though we wish we could. Adults can be with children and co-regulate in proximity (Babies swaddled by their mothers and fathers co-regulate by feeling the slower heart rate/ breathing, and then matching it). More practically in a classroom environment, educators can provide dedicated space, calming options, and relative proximity for a child to soothe and regulate themselves.
Break areas are simply another tool that we can provide our students, to help them SELF REGULATE. At the end of the day, individuals have to build healthy means of regulating themselves to thrive in our environment. Nobody

One small modification can make save time, resources, and heartache.

While making an addition to the classroom environment may feel like a big ask, it’s important to consider the resources that are currently being directed to reactively meet the in-the-moment needs of our most dysregulated students. At our site, we see teachers having to stop lessons and call for assistance. We see children, overwhelmed and dysregulated, walking out of classrooms under the control of their reptilian “dinosaur brain,” wired for survival. We are seeing adjunct staff pulled from critical functions to supervise, coax, and assess students on the run. What if a student, in this aroused state, had a brief area to recalibrate, regulate, and re-focus, in the classroom environment? What if they retreated to an area, did a few calming exercises, and returned to learning? Wouldn’t this be a win for everyone involved?

Being proactive beats being reactive.

By law, we must provide breaks for children, according to their learning needs, and accommodations listed in their IEPs. In fact, I’ve seen this explicitly listed in 100% of the Behavior Intervention Plans that have been developed in our district. What if break areas were already an option in our classrooms, for all students?
We can wait for directives via Behavior Intervention Plans (BIPs) in Individualized Education Plans (IEPs), with legal weight, to make shifts in this area. Or we can proactively create conditions and environments, including break areas, that are good for students. Now; Even in fifteen minutes.

What if every classroom on your campus had a break area for kids?
When Restorative Responses Sound Like Weakness

When Restorative Responses Sound Like Weakness

Certain misbehaviors trigger us more than others.
Lying. Stealing. Talking back.
When students act in this way, our posture stiffens, our tone sharpens, our glare , and our fears increase.
Our brains deduce that behavior, displayed in this manner, at this young age, surely leads to tragic outcomes in the future.

That’s what I wrestled with the moment I realized my newly adopted daughter took a hundred dollar bill from my drawer, on her first day of first grade.

Is this the beginning of her involvement in a crime ring?

That’s where the mind of a teacher naturally went when her student blatantly lied about his behavior on the playground.

What happens to adults who continually lie?

That’s what happened to a staff member who caught multiple children stealing at the yearly book fair.

Is this the beginning of a life of crime for these children?

Deep breaths.
Answer: No.

As leaders, educators and parents, we must continually resist the urge to play out our worst fears in response to misbehavior.
One of our primary jobs is to teach children through their behavior and misbehavior, while they are young enough to mold and shape.
Restorative responses call us to work with children to consider these important questions:
Who was wronged/ hurt?
How might I make things right?
Are there opportunities to repair the relational damage?

Our less informed and historic responses push us to think first about consequences that inflict the most appropriate pain, to act as a deterrent in future situations. And there is a role for consequences that are natural and costly for children who misbehave. But are we stopping short? Are we providing opportunity to right wrongs and repair relationships? These, I would argue, are some of the brave underpinnings required for complex, democratic, diverse communities like ours, to thrive.

Simple, yet excruciating, moves, such as asking for forgiveness, are some of the most valuable lessons students can learn.
Admitting a mistake and moving through it with grace, is a fundamental skill sorely needed in our world.
Connecting our actions to the impact they have on others is a critical concept our students need to succeed in the future.

On the heels of an offense, this process can seem slow and weak. Adults who expect quick judgement and consequences might get nervous.  They might wonder if students are “getting off easy” or getting away with it.  Leaders who flex protocols to include restorative responses may sense push back or critique.  Nevertheless, leaders like us need courage to press towards what is right, what is empirically effective, and what is aligned with student learning.

If we want to create restorative environments in our schools, then we must be brave enough to interrupt the habitual/ natural responses we make in the wake of student misbehavior.
We have to be centered enough to slow down and consider the long range development of our youth.
We have to resist the temptation to slap a quick, painful consequence on an shame-sensitive young child.
We have to be strong enough to sit in the lack of clarity, while all parties consider real impact.
And we have to be creative enough to come up with responses that come from a human need to be reconnected and made right with one another.

This is the restorative way.
And it might sound like weakness to some.

To me, it sounds like hope.

Image by Chapendra via Flickr.
But First the Welcome

But First the Welcome

I awoke this morning with a pit in my stomach.

I have knowledge and (now) photographic evidence of what is happening to children and families on our nation’s southern border.

I know too much.

I’m parenting kids who have themselves been separated from their own biological parents in moments of duress and loss. I see the toll it takes over time. I hear the questions that linger. I work toward the healing. I hold them in the loss. I can’t put it all back together for them.

Right now, about 45 children per day (over 2000 total) are facing this kind of childhood trauma due to the revised implementation of our immigration policies at the border. Children are being separated from their families. Kids are being detained and held in chain link kennels. As a dad, I am chilled by the recent, immoral implementation of immigration practices.

I’ve seen too much.

In 2015, I wrote about the phenomenon of “unaccompanied minors” showing up at our schools. Currently, I am leading a school that saw multiple new arrivals trickle in, in the second half of our school year, after being detained at the southern border. Each student who arrived looked completely shell-shocked. When given the space to share about their recent experiences to a safe Spanish speaking adult on campus, they did so with courage. “Hacia frio. Hacia frio.” They slept on concrete floors. The lights stayed on 24 hours of the day. The blanket issued was like a big sheet of tin foil. Food was minimal and vacuum sealed. Disbelief lingered. Loss mounted. Cries went out.

When I first heard, I couldn’t believe it.

But then the reports surfaced this last week in the national news. The pictures showed a reality that our students had been describing. The stories checked out. What’s worse? At a clip of 45 kids a day, it is still continuing.

But these are our kids.

No matter how the courts decide to handle the asylum applications of our families, these will be our students. They will be in class with our own children. They will live next door. They will graduate from our universities and attend our staff meetings.

Those kids are our kids.

As citizens of this great country, let’s demand that trauma inducing practices stop. Let’s take the long view. Let’s provide translation rather than vacuum sealed meals. Let’s give “brazos” rather than judgement.

In our schools, let’s ensure emotional safety before sending them into the science lab. Let’s let them record their memories before we force them to memorize the amendments of the Constitution. Let’s be a school, a district, a learning community that provides structure, welcome and love. The learning will come.

But first the welcome.

Image by Adam McLane via Flickr
*Hours after writing this, our president issued an executive order halting the separation of families at the border. It is still unclear if/ when currently separated children and parents will be re-united.
{Re} Branding a School

{Re} Branding a School

I learned a lot about branding by watching hipster parents line up for limited spots at a local charter school.  The school was branded so well, in fact, that families literally lined up to get their kids a shot at admission. The branding was so good, the buzz about it so strong, that applicants dismissed the fact that the school was filled with first time teachers, had a new principal, lacked outdoor space for children to play, and boasted somewhat ambiguous pedagogical approaches to teaching and learning. But they branded well. Sure enough, that branding brought committed families, real momentum, and (eventually) strong academic results.

This will not be the whining diatribe of a public school principal leading an under-resourced school.  This is not about pitting splashy charter models versus neighborhood schools.  Instead, this is a distillation of my ideas, capturing what I believe school leaders can do to improve community perception and attract the community.  After all, this is the part of the mission I am now leading.

Serious efforts to {re}brand a school should strive for the following:

Know what sets your school apart. It’s important for schools to know what they are good at. All schools, whether existing or new, have strengths that they can highlight for prospective and current families. At our site, we have experienced teachers (averaging 15 years at this site) who are here because they love the kids and feel connected to the community. We succinctly capture this strength through the phrase “extended family.” Another characteristic that sets our learning community apart, is the diversity of our staff and students. It’s extraordinary. And we believe that this ecosystem is ideal for preparing children to thrive in a diverse society. Finally, we offer “extras” that develop the whole child. Music, theater, art and a commitment to wellness augment our academic program in a way that develops well balanced, healthy kids!

The mission/ vision must be clear, concise, and compelling. A mission statement communicates why you exist. A vision statement communicates where you are going. Both are important, but I have emphasized developing a shared vision statement.  I want our staff, parents and students to think forward towards who we can become together. But it has to be clear. It has to be concise. And it must be compelling.  

In the first few days of my tenure as the instructional leader of my school, I asked around about the mission statement. The reactions I observed were confounding.  Most asserted that it was printed in the handbook. Few could recall phrases from the school mission. Nobody thought it shaped their behavior. And while the mission statement articulated worthy goals that children would benefit from, it wasn’t used as a tool for school transformation. A clear, concise and compelling mission/ vision statement should be just that- a tool for realizing school transformation.

Identify core values. It’s one thing to announce where you are headed with students. It’s a whole other thing to announce how you will get there. Students and families deserve to know what your priorities are, as a school. It’s important to ‘hone in’ on the pedagogical approaches and evidence based practices that will move your site towards a culture of achievement that works for the success of all students on campus.

Vision and values are expressed multiple ways, and in multiple spaces. It’s not enough to print the vision in a handbook.  It’s not enough to announce the revised vision in a staff meeting. The vision must be pronounced, over and over as a guiding light, a battle cry and a welcoming charge. It belongs in meetings with parents, on the front of the school, atop meeting agendas, and plastered all over the website. It’s the one thing everyone must know about our school.

Know that color and pizzaz does matter. We are visual beings. A fresh coat of paint can do wonders. Just ask my wife. Our dining room, with the help of some paint plus minor shifts in decor, feels like a whole new room. It’s rare when a school leader gets to open a site from ‘scratch.’ It’s also rare to get budget allocations that allow for major construction/ facelifts. Nevertheless, there are ways which we can refresh our schools, our logos, and our color schemes in ways that don’t ‘break the bank.’ When paired with real observable change, these efforts are always impactful.

Employ multimedia. We have lots of tools at our disposal. Consider making a brochure, a short movie. Think about blank walls that could be communicating messages. T-shirts with compelling messages communicate a lot. Traditional approaches to communication with parents, like newsletters, “Coffee with the Principal” and blacktop assemblies still possess fidelity. Think ‘outside the box.’ Figure out the most effective modes of communication, per subgroup. Open up new lines of communication. Develop a social media strategy. Stay with a consistent message. Tweet, post, and paint away!

Leverage principles of economics and motivation. Something about the human psyche, responds to the concept that resources are finite. When the store is closing, our shopping decisions become concise. When parents countdown from three, their children move to compliance. When the gas light in the car turns on, we veer off to the gas station.  

I believe this principle applies to school choice. Schools flourish where families feel fortunate to be a part of a particular learning community.  Finite space is one variable that reinforces the truth that children are fortunate to be at a particular site. Parents experience this in waiting lists, lotteries, and requirements of parent involvement. Where quality teaching and learning exists behind the barriers to enrollment, demand actually increases.  

At my site, we plan to crystalize demand by communicating how many spots we have remaining at each grade, scheduling tours for families, and making the “School Choice” process more pronounced.

Make every interaction matter. Branding happens with every interaction we have. When we smile at parents coming in the school gates, develop interventions that increase learning for kids, or sign off for UPS packages with kindness, we are branding the school. For all who are paying attention, every day, we are answering people’s most pressing question, “Does this school care about me and my kids?” 

Rely on word-of-mouth. The most impactful action we can take to brand a school is to create raving fans. Individuals who are impressed cannot help but share with the people they love.  

Highlight your “wins.” Everyone loves a winner.  Everyone wants to know “Are we are winning?”  When I coached college basketball, the answer was far clearer.  When leading a school community, it is important to know there are multiple scoreboards. As the leader, I take seriously the role of telling our story and announcing our wins! In truth, our teachers and students are winning all the time. They are making impressive academic gains that matter so much but just might show up on the norm referenced state-administered tests. They are making social-emotional gains that will lead them to improving the lives of others. They are demonstrating habits of mind and grit that will propel them to future successes we cannot even see yet. These successes matter. All parents wish for them. And it’s up to us to share them.

When Budget Cuts Impact Real People

When Budget Cuts Impact Real People

Our governor set a budget to keep our state afloat.

Our district responded with necessary cuts.

Our school community was faced with very challenging decisions.

All year, I’ve been beating the “We are family!” drum.  As the instructional leader, I now I am faced with responding in ways that 1) preserve our mission to be a quality neighborhood school that serves children and families well 2) care for a staff family, especially those most impacted by cuts.

I’ve already made mistakes along this road.  But this is a reflection that will serve to: 1)Remind me of what’s most important and 2) Keep me accountable in maintaining alignment between my core beliefs and actions.

I want to:

  • Remember that all families go through challenging times.  A helpful perspective is to see the challenge as an opportunity for the family to come together. After all, that’s what families are for.
  • Maintain transparency. It’s important to be transparent in budget-related decisions that are made by site governance and administration.  Staff should know of relevant changes as immediately as possible.
  • Get to the point. Share changes with individuals affected in clear and empathetic terms.  
  • Check-in often with effected employees.  Ask “What do you need in this time?”  Then, help them get any information they might need.
  • Acknowledge the loss.  It’s important to acknowledge that our community’s loss is real.  
  • Remember that people process change and loss in different ways. When facing loss some of us need space, while others need comfort.  It’s important to follow their lead.
  • Provide material support for staff who are excessed. As leaders, we can activate resources to help in efforts that are daunting.  Effected staff may need help training cleaning out classrooms or tying up ‘loose ends.’  Any help we can provide matters.
  • Honor staff contributions in the days preceding the transition.  We are choosing to host a luncheon that honors staff who are transitioning. For us, it is a time to celebrate their impact in the words of both students and colleagues.
  • Maintain sensitivity with forward planning conversations. While plans for the coming academic year may be upon us, it is important to attend to the reality of the moment. For example, some staff may be able to be excused from planning meetings.

At the end of the day, educational leadership is about people.  While change, budget cuts, and staff transitions are a part of our current reality, how we lead is important.  Leading well means doing right by the individuals we lead.

Image by Blower Montano via Flickr
When Feedback is Hard to Hear: Part 4

When Feedback is Hard to Hear: Part 4

This week, I circled back with the staff member who originally delivered feedback that was hard to hear.

Transitioning the conversation from superfluous sports talk, I dove right in,”I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about the feedback you gave me a whole lot.”  

After pausing,”I want to thank you again for having the courage to share honest feedback with me the other day.”

She began to apologize. Maybe she didn’t anticipate I would take it so seriously.

Please don’t apologize. I have blind spots. We all have them.”   

And then,“I’m glad you pointed them out to me. I want feedback so that I can grow and become a better leader.”

Moving into the practical, “One change I commit to going forward, is clearly communicating where I am at on a decision, before asking for your input.”  

“I would like that, she bounced back.

It was unfair and confusing when I would ask for your ideas, and then move us in a different direction. I am sorry about that.”

I added,Another thing I want going forward, is for you to keep giving me feedback. I really value it.”

She just smiled. Then she said, “You are a great leader.”


I’m not a great leader (yet). I am rapidly growing in my proficiencies as a school leader. But what I am hearing and learning is anecdotally true; People want to follow a leader who is real and willing to listen. This is perhaps my greatest takeaway.


Finally, I’d like to share some of the greatest takeaways Donny Ebstein’s book. I devoured this audio book while driving to and from work on the interstate, over the course of a couple weeks.

Learning: “I Hear You: Repair Communication Breakdowns, Negotiate Successfully, aI-Hear-You-Book-Covernd Build Consensus…in Three Simple Steps”


1. Adopting a proactive, optimistic approach is the secret to making a change. We always have the power to change things by behaving differently. The dynamics can be changed, just by one of the parties doing something differently.

2. Changing your behavior without changing your perspective will not work. People can spot a fake. Just using the right buzzwords “I hear you. I empathize with you.” ultimately backfires if we are not willing to flex our minds.

3. Flex your mind. Our lack of awareness is greatest in the “stuck” situations that give us the most trouble. But building the capacity to stand between two perspectives is transformational. We have to see more than our own story. We don’t have to lose our own perspectives, in exchange for the other person’s. But when we work to look at things from a variety of perspectives, we find multiple ways to respond. When we don’t. we can become imprisoned by our own point of view.

4. Show people you’ve listened and absorb their feedback. Share reflections on what you want to do different. Ask for help on improving on your blindspots. Apologize for unintended impact of your words.

5. Don’t hide from your own feedback. Use it to grow. To reverse your perspective, ask “How might it be me, after all?” “If what I am being told is true, would be the worst part of that? What would be scary about that? What would I need to do?

6. We can always get unstuck. Gaining a better understanding of the situation, experiencing improved dialogue, making peace with the status quo, and walking away, are all within our own control.

Image by Tihn Te Photos via Flickr